I have a lot of scars.
I have a ton of scars from compulsive skin picking (see dermatillomania page/link on the side bar). Anyway, I have scars all over my face and shoulders, and arms, and chest (and legs and everywhere) which has led to my fashion sense essentially being anything that covers the most skin.
Today I was shopping and decided fuck that, and bought chest showing tank tops. If people have a problem fuck them.
Panic attacks from travelling are not good as far as derma and my skin go.
Random skin update. My face, nearly perfectly clear. Lets just leave it at that and not talk about any of my other skin.
I’ve been putting this post of for a while. Derma Warning.
Skin Update:
I want to thank the pretty blue haired chick I know. She means a lot to me; and she has helped me with some very serious confidence issues. I wore a dress today; it had no sleeves, and it was somewhat low cut (showed off about 3 inches below my collar bones), semi-short dress so all the way up to my thighs were visible as well.
My shoulder/chest/and lower leg scars were all on display. I couldn’t believe it, I don’t understand how I did this, but it was good. She makes me feel good about myself.
She started yesterday, we were at the beach, and I didn’t want to take my shorts off to swim, but she made me (bossy girly) and my horrible thigh scars (self harm) were all visible, and anyone could have seen them, and I didn’t even care. At first I was worried, but most of these people I wont see again, and I don’t care. the freedom I feel now is amazing.
This is probably difficult to follow, but I adore this girl, and she had done a lot for me in the short time we’ve known each other. This has been good. M appreciation blog.
Skin update: Mini relapse the past few days, got a couple thin bits of skin across my nose, and down one side- easy enough to cover with make up, but I was so happy not having to wear any, and it isn’t totally invisible with. In any case, Now I’m waiting for it to heal, because for the past month… I’ve been doing really well.
My skin is really going well. My face has cleared up, and I’ve not been wearing makeup around the house. My shoulders and chest aren’t as good, but are better than they have been. Unfortunately my nails have really been suffering while my skin heals, it hurts to type because they’re all sore >:\ but I’m glad. My thigh though, not doing so well, those four sets are hurting.
I haven’t picked all day today, or yesterday, or Sunday! FUCK YEAH.
Mimi rambles about odd disorders.
So I was watching X-Men (the first one) and absently picking at my face, as I usually do when I’m reading/watching a movie/on the computer/breathing/living, and I recalled the wiki article I’d read on dermatillomania. Particularly this phrase:
People afflicted with dermatillomania find skin picking to be stress relieving or gratifying, though it can still be as physically painful as it would be for a non-skin picker.
Wait wait wait wait hold the phone.
My disorder doesn’t give me superpowers? I thought I’d be completely resistant to pain! I feel so lied to!
No, but seriously, I have never understood why that is hard to understand. Just because it’s a habit and I do it all the time, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting like a bitch. I’ve had (admittedly wellmeaning) friends ask me,
“Doesn’t that hurt?”
“No, it feels fucking great! I’m digging out chunks of my skin, of course it hurts.”It does hurt. It hurts really bad. Sometimes they get infected and it’s nasty. Then they scab over and I turn into a lizard-person, with scabs all over my shoulders, face, chest, and legs.
I rarely wear tanktops or sleeveless things. When I do, I cover my shoulders with makeup. I almost always wear jeans, or leggings, or something like that. Half the time I can’t shave my legs because I keep running over and reopening wounds.
“Then why don’t you stop?”
Would if I could.
It’s like hairpulling, or other such “habits”: It feels very satisfying when I’m doing it, but afterwards there’s the shame and disgust with having done it. Which causes stress, which makes me pick more.
That’s why I was really excited to see that Natalie Portman’s character in Black Swan had dermatillomania. I recognized myself in her — the marks on the shoulders, the picking at the nails. Having to wear certain kinds of clothes to cover it up. I thought “Finally, we get some recognition!”
But no, they never named it, never explained it. She just had the crazy.
Extremely frustrating.
I’m not sure why exactly I’m writing this, really. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot and wanted to vent some of my feelings.
So I think I’ll end this here.
In sum:
Bolded for emphasis. I was sitting in the theater and I felt so utterly exposed (and relieved) seeing it portrayed in a movie. Only to be disappointed that it wasn’t a condition but just plain insanity. Shame. It was almost part of a good message.
Janis Ian - At Seventeen (1975)
To my lovely dermas: This song is perhaps not the most uplifting, but I’ve really identified with it for years. Mainly because before I knew that my problem wasn’t unique, I felt so alone, and I could identify with this song.
Hello my pretties! It has been a while since I’ve tumbled, :) Busy with other things I suppose. (a friend introduced me to a nintendo simulator on pc and the pokemon). Been sorting through some issues too- not so fun, but I have a therapist now- and thats good.
Quick update for people who want to know how the “tools” for derma are going.
Chat Room?
I’ve set up a chat room that anyone can go to if they are feeling like they need to talk to someone because they are stressed out and worried that they will pick. Hopefully we can pass this link around to as many skin pickers as we know so we can generate a tight community of support.
You can find the chat HERE. I will try to stay logged in as much as possible. :)
